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Rilke and Me - two short poems

You Darkness

You darkness from which I come,
I love you more than all the fires
that fence out the world,
for the fire makes a circle
for everyone
so that no one sees you anymore.

But darkness holds it all:
the shape and the flame,
the animal and myself,
how it holds them,
all powers, all sight-

and it is possible;

its great strength
is breaking into my body.

I have faith in the night.

Rainer Maria Rilke Trans. D.W.



Oh Heart –
You never imagined the good red road
lined with trees filtering
distant music and laughing voices,

would wind its way to this -
place of beauty and aloneness
where breath, tears, and pulls of longing

make a tender, yet savage, and melancholy sound.
Having now re-discovered
that you can hold

indescribable vistas of limitless love,
and explore depths of caves never-ending;

still you seep in silent solitary sorrow.

And yet joy,
trembling in the distance
beckons unfamiliar regions of your soul.

Faith tremulously reaches out and up and in;
Stretching - hoping to touch once more
another’s fingers in the width of this world.

And in that divine chalice of space and time
to discover again God within
a lover and a friend.


Stephanie Swink - Evergreen, CO 5-09

A Misty Mountains Elk Story

On Mother's Day I skipped church and went deep into the mountains alone. It was a chilly damp day and the thick mist (along with my searching state of mind) made the journey very mystical and other-worldly.

A short way into the forest I heard the strangest sound, a sort of high pitched barking noise, but I was skeptical it was a dog. As I peered through the foggy forest for the source of the sound, a lone cow elk came timidly into view. It is rare to see them alone and I have never heard one make a sound before. Hers was an anxious, rather mournful call; as if she were lost or lost something. From a short distance we stared at each other with only the dripping mist making a sound. When I reached for my camera, she was gone like a ghost. I caught one more glimse of her (see below) with camera in hand before she was gone. It was so surreal.

This hike was a three and half hour solo journey. Besides the elk and a few curious woodpeckers playing hide and seek with me, I saw no other living thing besides the trees. It is so strange to hike without Barnie (he compressed some discs in his neck and is on strict bed rest for two months). And now that I am living alone again, solitary-ness has taken on a whole new flavor.

The other night my dear friend Leigh and I were talking on the phone at sundown as I sat in my car next to Evergreen lake. As I was sharing my heart with her about all the changes and challenges in my life right now, another cow elk materialized from the edge of the lake right next to me. As I shared this with Leigh, and also told her the the story of the elk the day before, a whole herd emerged from the fading light into my view. There was at least 20 of them! It was then that my wise and wonderful friend pointed out to me that the elk were giving me a message; they where there right then AND the day before clearly symbolizing both the lonely cry in my heart as well as the reality that I am not alone - that I am a social creature with a whole herd of incredible people in my life that I love and who love me. Elk also represent stamina to the native Americans. Yes... I have that energy in me... stamina and resilience to get through anything. And so I thank the elk of Evergreen and my dear friend Leigh for that reminder.

Here I am at my hike desitination - a rocky outcropping that, when clear, has an incredible view. But I thought it so gorgeous the way it was. Clear... foggy... warm... cold... with another... alone... that's just how life is. I'll take it all.

A few weeks ago, while unpacking, I found this poem tacked to North's cork board that was in his office. I wrote it very spontaneously one day several years ago when I was at his place in Dana point. Its odd that I actually remember writing it. It just poured out onto the page on a sunny day as he worked away at his computer. It strikes me in a rather surreal way now. So much has happened and changed since then and yet life still feels this way to me. For that, I am glad. I am continually learning to embrace, and even love ALL that life is, but it is hard sometimes, no doubt about that.

Thanks for letting me share with you.

Growth and blessings, Stef

May our lives expand
Our hearts open
May we take inside
The truth’s of God
Light- Life – Mystic – Magic - Love

And may our souls fly
Joyfully, ecstatically, exquisitely
With our feet on the ground
Trusting the Journey – The road unseen

Surrender to the mystery
Freedom – Smiles – Gratitude
Life on Life’s terms
Beautiful – Mystical – Profound

May our lives expand
Our worlds open
May old darkness slip back to nothingness
Revealing a landscape wide and green - Pristine

May our hearts expand
May we simply BE ALIVE!

-- Stephanie Swink
Dana Point, CA Sometime in 2004 or 2005

Springtime in the Rockies - and some poetry

Hello and Happy Spring!

I hope this journal entry finds all who read it blessed and aware of it.

Well, I have officially made Evergreen, Colorado my new home. I rented a small house just two blocks up the hill from the main street of old town Evergreen. I can walk to the shops and the lake and hear live music from "The Little Bear" saloon. I love it! We had a mild winter here until a spring storm dumped three feet of heavy snow on us a couple of weekends ago. Even without electricity (some for three days), we had a blast!

My nieghbors (human and animal!) are wonderful. A newlywed couple lives next door and get this, he is a chef from Holland! Is God good or what?!

I also recently (as in a week ago) manifested a job that meets much of the criteria I was setting forth in my intention, even though it was not something I had consciously imagined. I am a vet tech at an alternative therapy animal hospital and I love it! It is a full time position and I am learning a tremendous amount of interesting things while working with a really neat group of people. And then, of course, there are the animals I get to interact with all day. Life is good.

Here is a wintery view from my deck. The very next day it was sunny and nearly 70 degrees. Yep, that is springtime in the Rockies!

A few weeks ago I completed a class at Mile Hi church as part of the path to re-establishing my Practitioner License. As my final project I shared some very personal and poignant poetry (is there any other kind?)

So much big transformation stuff in my life has come in ways I never expected and these past few months have been no exception. Life continues to take me surprise and continually shake, open and deepen me. Perhaps it is all part of my determination to 'start all over'. Indeed I have.

SO in the spirit of wide open self expression that seems to be a cornerstone of who I am, I thought I'd share some of the poetry I've written as well as two from my favorite poet, David Whyte. His work inspires me and speaks directly to the core of my soul. My hope is that in some way it opens you - my friends and family and blog followers, to a place longing to be seen in your own hearts.

Big, full-life blessings. And love and more love.. that is all there really is.

Stef

9-2007 Alone at Misty Glenn Cabin, Smokey Mnts, Tenn (3 wks after North died.)

Death’s Eyes

A strange thick fog and dew laden branches
Hide the face of recognition from the eyes of my heart
Like a flash of animal eyes in the darkness
What are you? Were you there? Did I only imagine?

In the dark woods of my deepest fears
Stillness steals my breath
And the black night slowly engulfs all
There ever was
Ever could be
Ever will be

Even the sweetness in my soul
The beloved of my being

Oh but I knew love with one
And to touch and caress the warm dream there beside me – in the dark

But now I see that strangers face
The one who took my man from me
Those shadow eyes now fixed with mine
Leave a message un-denied

He has died – He breathes no more

And yet…

the love still lives
recognizable
in a new way
in this fading forest
for the first time

-- Stephanie Swink-McKinnon Misty Glenn Cabin, Smokey Mnts, TN September, 2007

Revelation Must Be Terrible

(By David Whyte)

Revelation must be

terrible with no time left

to say goodbye.

Imagine that moment

staring at the still waters

with only the brief tremor

of your body to say

you are leaving everything

and everyone you know behind.

Being far from home is hard, but you know,

at least we are exiled together.

When you open your eyes to the world

you are on your own for

the first time. No one is

even interested in saving you now

and the world steps in

to test the calm fluidity of your body

from moment to moment

as if it believed you could join

its vibrant dance

of fire and calmness and final stillness.

As if you were meant to be exactly

where you are, as if

like the dark branch of a desert river

you could flow on without a speck

of guilt and everything

everywhere would still be just as it should be.

As if your place in the world mattered

and the world could

neither speak nor hear the fullness of

its own bitter and beautiful cry

without the deep well

of your body resonating in the echo.

Knowing that it takes only

that one, terrible

word to make the circle complete,

revelation must be terrible

knowing you can

never hide your voice again.

-- David Whyte from Fire in the Earth ©1992 Many Rivers Press

4-15-09 One year anniversary of my trip departure

The End of The Beginning

A year ago today I turned the key and drove away
RV packed, dog on board, moms tearful waves
I turned left, took a breath and everything had changed

Eight months before, my beloved died
Cancer came, morphed us both, took his life
Somehow I survived and went searching for a new beginning

Journeyed alone 9,000 miles - something I just had to do
Home on wheels, unfamiliar roads, 26 states
Went far and wide and deep and wild - and learned to breathe again

My own world for nine months, out of space and time
Drove, cried, laughed, sang, hiked, prayed, screamed, danced and dreamed
I took the long road home to myself

And now I’m here. Turned the key in the door and walked in
To a new home, a new state, a new life
I look outside my window at Evergreen trees and everything has changed

-- Stephanie Swink-McKinnon Evergreen, CO April 15, 2009

Found this one by David Whyte a few days after I wrote the one above. It REALLY touches me

In the Beginning

Sometimes simplicity rises
like a blossom of fire
from the white silk of your own skin

You were there in the beginning
you heard the story, you heard the merciless
and tender words telling you where you had to go.

Exile is never easy and the journey
itself leaves a bitter taste. But then,
when you heard that voice, you had to go.

You couldn’t stay by the fire, you couldn’t live
so close to the flame of that compassion
you had to go out into the world and make it your own

so you could come back with
that flame in your voice, saying listen…
this warmth, this unbearable light, this fearful love…

It is all here, it is all here.

-- David Whyte from Fire in the Earth ©1992 Many Rivers Press

NAMASTE'

Happiness, Home, and Healing in my Heart

Hello and Happy 2009 to Everyone!

I just LOVE this picture of a strawberry finch (I think) way out on the edge on a cloudy California day. Something about it just gets me...

Once again it has been some time since my last post and so I'll stick to trip tradition now and let pictures do most of the talking.

The first three photos below are from the grand finale of my cross country journey, way back in Oct/Nov. Pop and I had an incredible time exploring the top of the country through Illinois, the Upper Penninsula of Michigan, Wisconsin, Iowa and Nebraska. Love ya Pop!

Colorado at Christmas time is pretty and magical. I was mesmerized by this snow covered Christmas tree in the front yard where I am living with the Morrison's in Evergreen, CO.

But after nine months away, I was ready for HOME in the form of Southern California. It felt grounding and good to see magestic El Capitan Mountain again, seen here from my Mom's backyard in Lakeside, California.

I was SO looking forward to seeing everyone at home. But I'll be honest and admit that my horse and friend of almost 29 years, Freedom, was the one I missed the most. Its not like we can talk on the phone after all! Unfortunately it rained so much when I was there that the ground was too soggy to ride. But he got extra carrots and pets and knows I love him.

These are my cousin's Eric and Laura (an my Mom, sis and I) at my Mom's annual Christmas brunch. SO great to see you two!

I also got to hug Nicole, the young lady I've known and loved since she was five. So proud of you girl!

Since I was expecting typical Southern California weather, I left almost all of my newly aquired snow appropriate attire in Colorado. So of course there just so happened to be a very uncharachteristic (but very welcome) three feet of snow in San Diego's local mountains! Which was about 2' 10" more than in Evergreen!

Kris and Erick gifted the entire family with two nights in a cabin in the Laguna's and we had an absolute blast!

Mom, Skyler and sis Kris (Jacky in the background).

Pop and Linda.
My sweet, happy and beautiful nephews -

Jackson (6) and Skyler (9).









Uhh... yes, that's me (the legs probably gave it away!) Whoo Hoo!

My bro-in-law Erick (aka the E-Man!)

I relished seeing all my Goddess Babe friends in Orange County again. Love and miss you Ladies SO MUCH!

And I also got to see our old land-lord and dear dear friend Craig (Craigerzzz!) and meet his lovely new sweetheart, Lindy. You two look great together!

December 16th was my two-year wedding anniversary. I spent the previous evening and that morning with North's son Zach (wish I had a picture!), the day with my long time friend Leslie, and the evening with Miss Leigh (also no picture.) It was so strange to be back in the place where we lived together and were married, on that day. It was sad and surreal and yet good. I was glad to be there and in the presence of special people he and I love so much. And when walking on the beach with Leslie I finally opened up enough to feel him. When I asked for some sort of sign, which he told me to expect, I looked out on the water to see a lone sailboat with three masts. There is only one in the area I know of, the Curlew - the very one we spent so many Sunday's on with his friend Bob (the captain); and the very same one we took out to sea to release his ashes. There she was - unmistakable in the overcast distance. And there he was, with us on the beach and filling up my heart with knowing. It felt so pure and bittersweet.

At the end of the day I went solo to San Clemente Pier to watch the sun go down. This was where he proposed and where the beach-comber motel is where we took our wedding photos and spent our wedding night.

I remember how cold it was that day too and how, in the tiny room at the end of that day two years before, he and I, as husband and wife, danced like crazy, he in his suit and I in my dress, with the i-pod in our ears. We laughed and toasted to eachother and our sacred love. How great that was. I love & miss you so my sweetheart. I always will.

Being at home for Christmas this year, surrounded by family and friends, was just what my heart and soul needed.

(Pop and April Ann on my last night.)

And as beautiful and green and forested as my new home in Evergreen, Colorado is, (even if it is currenly only 3 degrees outside!), I deeply cherish and appreciate the rugged, rocky, chapparal beauty of where I grew up. It will always be home, where my roots run deep.

In my long journey all the way across this great country, in all that time alone in this past year and half since my beloved passed away, I have come to realize that one's heart can live and thrive and be at home in many places. I have found a settling in to myself, a deeper acceptance of what is, and a solid knowing that my beloved has always and will forever be with me, just as he promised he would. And I realize something else... through all this time and space and change, I have simply been taking the long way home - the long road home to myself.

I have learned and grown and changed so much. And yet, I am the same. Like him, like all of us, love and life is eternal, the road goes on.

So I am peaceful. I am grateful. And I am happy. How good it is to feel a deep sense of home once again in my heart.

Namaste' and blessings to us all,

Stef

P.S. Barnie says Hi/Woof (and he loves his cammie coat mom!)

VIDEO BELOW!

A Snowy Sunday

Hello and Belated Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

Today is the last day of November - Sunday the 30th. It is snowing ever so lightly here in Evergreen in the second day of the first snow of the season (enough to cover the ground a bit).
Barn and I are loving the abundant open space, hiking trails, and wildlife and go exploring on foot and by car regularly since we arrived here a couple of weeks ago.

It is still quite strange and challenging to get my mind around not only being in one spot after so long, but considering another place so different from what I've always known as "home".

But I spent a truly lovely and enjoyable Thanksgiving holiday with the Morrison Family and four other friends, here in Evergreen, Colorado. Dan and Vicki are host and hostess supreme and there was lots of fabulous food and easy laughter. Here is Lynn and Kevin -
Although I felt pangs of missing my family and the traditions I grew up with, I was comforted by speaking to most of them and also was aware of an exceptionally long list of things and people I have to be grateful for, including this awesome family who has taken me in and who I love so much! Another thing I am excited about and grateful for is knowing I am going home for Christmas two weeks from tomorrow! Yeah!
Eight months ago I left on my grand adventure in my moter home. EIGHT MONTHS! I am so looking forward to seeing and being in the company of missed loved ones! :-D

Sending you all big blessings of positive connections to others and gratitude for the simple things,
Stef

PS - I had to add one more pic of my adorable pooch. Here he is playing with his new toy (a stuffed honking Canadian goose), a real dream come true for him since he's been chasing and barking at them since Pop and I were in Wisconsin and Iowa! Please stay tuned for another blog soon on that awesome ending of my trip! AND check out the wild (ponies) time in the blog entry below!